Performed at Sine Gallery's Deconstructed Gallery, Newark.

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“Only one thing is certain: that nothing is certain. And nothing is more wretched or arrogant than man.” -- Pliny the Elder

A LIST OF SOME THINGS I’D LIKE TO SAY TO YOU BOTH BUT NEVER WILL

They say love is like lion. They tears you chest open and eats my heart.

They says in my country love is like tiger; hunt you down on mountain and bite you on neck.

I tell her I love her at end of our last conversation. She respond say “Oh wow!”
I tell all my friends I never talk to her again.

The song goes, “after the laughter comes tears.” But maybe sometimes tears come during laughter. Do not expect it.

Love is murderer. You kill me when you try to keep me around as fuckboi after we break up. All this time pass us by, you still not over me and want what from me? No. No no.

“Better off as a fool than the owner of that kind of heart” or so the song tells it.

“If you could only step back far enough and watch the whole process you could see you are a totally determined being … there are no accidents in this business at all. Accidents are just from where you’re looking. To the ego, it looks like it’s just all miracles and accidents - no miracles, no accidents.”

“I turned around to find her but she was gone. Goodbye girl.”

But well before all that, almost two years ago, I found myself singing in the shower almost every morning - Blue Moon, you saw me standing alone, without a dream in my heart, without a love of my own.

I’m not stranger to desire, longing, love, lust - though I always thought the Jesuits attempts to explain infatuation was a sham. I don’t necessarily believe in infatuation. But I do believe in good sex.

It’s as if singing that song every morning was some kind of prayer, some ritual, that drew her to me. I went back to her place after our first date, after 5 hours of conversation.

“Strangers in the night, exchanging glances, wondering in the night, what were the chances…”

Marquez claims we lead three lives: Public, private and secret. We all know this in our gut, and as we meet someone new, our subtle minds begin attempting to inuit the private and secret selves of the other. Such is part of the excitement that comes with meeting Someone.

Again, nothing is certain. Things full of surprises. Hope floats and truth always comes out. So one year ago, nine months in, when she told me she worked as stripper in private club for four months before we met - I was stunned and spent a few hours asking her all the questions I could imagine. Nothing I had imagined about her private life, her secret life prepared me for that. I didn’t ask her if she ever had sex for money. Is unconditional love, no?

At same time, I wrote about a woman who had captured my heart, had become the focus of what Anne Carson refers to as Eros the bittersweet. Citing Sappho:

As a sweet apple turns red on a high branch,
high on the highest branch and the applepickers
forgot -
well, no they didn’t forget - they were not able to reach…

Here I am the lion, the tiger. In love and pierced begging “Cupid, draw back your bow and let your arrow flow, straight to my lover’s heart for me..”

We are more interested the state of desire, the hope inherent in it, than we are with satisfying that desire. If our itch is scratched, our hope sinks…

We are an airplane
Nose dove into the side of a
Mountain smoke and clouds
I cant see
I’m in detox it was a failure
Of feeling
A cartoon man says i don’t want to say goodbye
We are a boat, our bodies
My dick shooting cum like
It’s the leak that will sunk us
A siren strumming guitar and sad singing
Somewhere near
I write all this looking at
Drawings from the wrong side of the page
As if verso!
Images become words
And after thinking about it all day
I finally text you

We cannot step into the same river twice. Our lives, our minds flow on and on. The world is a cosmic shake shake shaking incessantly.

“Maybe tomorrow (beat beat beat) a new romance (beat beat beat), no more sorrow (beat beat beat) but that’s the chance you’ve got to take (beat beat beat) if you’re lonely heart breaks, only the lonely.”

In the words of a Poet:
“We must abandon ourselves to be radically present in this living moment.”

I met you for dinner last week, because why not. We found all the same old attraction and the same old problems. And as we egged each other on across the table and you played footsie with me while I called you trouble,you said you were bad and the tension mounted and my mind raced through questions I had no right to ask and images of the threshold of your place or fucking you in the bathroom until I couldn’t trust my self-restraint any longer and I walked to the bathroom, confused about how I’d just felt intensely both the reasons I was with you and why I couldn’t be with you at the same time.

A LIST OF THINGS YOU SHOWED ME (not the you I had dinner with last week)
- Possibility
- hope
- truth
- honesty
- beauty

I spoke with a friend who had said something that struck me. It's not important what. He is using a cane, walking with great difficulty. He had surgery on his spine. I told him that I have lately struggled with my conception of God, for I believe God to be present in all experiences and things - the painful and the beautiful. He looked at me and said, "I don't even know what beauty is anymore. I was in the hospital on my back, I didn't know if I'd ever sit up again, and Howard is there spoon feeding me soup - and I'd never experienced anything so beautiful. And I'd never been in more pain."

"I think God is Love. I pray to Love."

"You know your kisses they like lightening and thunder, and your smile, sweet comes down like rain."

We no decide when, where, from who it come. If we stay open, it come. If anything mean anything, we need desire for desire its self. To desire is to hope, to believe in the possibility of life.

"Don't be afraid to be confused. Try to remain permanently confused. Anything is possible. Stay open, forever, so open it hurts, and then open up some more, until the day you die, world without end, amen."

Pay attention. The beat beat beat, shake shake shake happen every moment, every second, every minute, every hour, every day never stop, pulsing unfolding forward onward it no care how we feel about it but it happen and we can say no or we can jump into this and abandon any conviction of what is supposed to be to work with what is.

“I am the source of my abundance.
I focus on what I love and thus draw it to me.
My thoughts are loving and positive.
My choices and possibilities are expanding everyday.
I love and trust my imagination.
I am an unlimited being. I can create anything I want.
I picture abundance for myself and others.
My dreams come true.”

It is said one’s character grows to reflect their name.

The past was trying to warn us.What happens when you let language recede into obscurity?

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with god and the Word was God.

I Sing for Love.